On Fire From Within

I feel like my soul is on fire

Deep down, where the smoke is smothered by smiles,

There is a crackling…

Like the embers of a flame that should have been extinguished a long time ago.

 

Time and again I push down the demon that raises its flaming head,

Its burning eyes glaring deep into the depths of my soul,

As though charring my flesh down to the bone,

 

And the pulsing pain within grows louder,

Until I can’t even hear my own heartbeat….

I look around, desperate for help,

Without realizing there is nowhere to go

I’m trapped – all alone, on this Island surrounded by memories, that are trying to drown me;

 

Unable to scream for help, because no one knows about us…

We are nothing but a myth;

Real for each other, but invisible to the rest of the world

I am yours, and you are my secret to keep.

They are still so fresh, I can reach out and touch these memories,

But I hesitate… afraid to get burnt.

And then a soft breeze flows by, spreading the fire inside me

Until I can feel it heating me to the tips of my feet,

 

You are everywhere, in everything I do

Every word I say, Every breath I take…

Every step I take, I take it thinking of you.

 

I tried drowning myself in this world,

Surrounded by distractions all around;

But I got lost in the crowd,

All alone, by myself; still searching for a glimpse of you…

Anywhere; My beating heart trying desperately to keep up

My brain racing with images of the past as my soul tries to curl in on itself,

 

A protective gesture I acquired over time –

Which is as useless as it is desperate.

 

Because you are a part of me…

Everything you do, everything you say, every breath you take –

They are burned into my soul

I take you with me everywhere I go

Regardless of the smile plastered on my face,

You are the Zonda that I couldn’t save

For myself…

And now I sit on the sidelines, pretending to be free from all care and worries;

Searching everyday,

For a sign – anything that might lead you back to me.

Or me to you.

Somehow, I know this can’t be the end of everything.

Because you are a part of me.

And no matter how much I try to keep the past from affecting me,

I have to admit (at least to myself) that you took a major part of me with you,

A hole as glaring as the one burning into my heart ,

When each day I take one more breath without you in my life,

I may seem numb to the pain

But I don’t see a happy future for me,

Not the one we envisioned at least.

 

It doesn’t matter if I change continents, or I race away to another life,

I will take you wherever I go,

You are my demon and my savior all at once,

You are inside of me, always and forever…

How can one hide from oneself?

 

 

 

 

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