Ana Ayesh Iw Mosh A’ayesh

This is not a poem, though god knows I’m emotional enough to write one at this point. When I first saw the Ruiyah, I woke up confused. I thought I had mixed up two different people; mentally changed a scenario in my head from how it should actually be, because of increased contact with one compared to the other.

Two years on, I am faced with the blood-chilling prospect that maybe, just maybe, I did not change anything at all. The Ruiyah was exactly like it should have been…down to the last T. And now this horrifying scenario looms ahead of me, completely taking over my mind. My soul feels trapped, as if shackled to the ground – frightened of what is to come, yet helpless to change it.

What am I to do? I know what is coming. I have seen it. But how does one mentally prepare oneself for the possibility – total loss, soul crushing pain… Where do I go? Who do I turn to?

Regardless of how much I feel as though I am hurtling towards the edge of a cliff, facing a bottomless pit; as the image slowly grows larger than life, taking over me; I have to ask myself: why did I see what I did? Why did God show me that particular Ruiyah?

Was he trying to warn me? Mentally prepare me? Am I supposed to do something to change the end result – but how can I?

Inaha Makhtuba. It is written. I am so afraid. I know what is coming. I want to change it. I want to stop it. How can I?

Oh Allah, take care of me. Twasa Fia.

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