It’s so hard waking up in the morning; you have to force open your heavy-lidded eyes, turn your body to the side and haul yourself upright, before swinging both legs off the side of the bed… all the while fighting the fog muddling your brain and senses. The drowsiness never really goes away though, you just learn to push it to the back of your head while you’re going through your everyday chores;whether it’s eating an omelette or drinking a hot cup of coffee. It’s always there, hanging like a dark cloud overhead, ready to swoop down on you and drench you in it’s mind-numbing fog (if you allow it to).
That’s why you have to fight it. You can’t walk this road; you’ve seen too many people go down and never stand up again. They go to psychologists to “talk” (who does that by the way? Like that’s a real job?); they take pills because they can’t sleep… other people, they sleep too much.
But God, it’s such an effort now. Picking up the phone, opening WhatsApp, responding to people’s messages- or even just making small talk because you’re afraid of completely losing touch with others if you don’t. It’s so hard. What is there to talk about? What can you say? Nothing. Because you do nothing. Because you are nothing. Just a waste of space taking up valuable oxygen from other people inhabiting the same planet.
You just want to sleep now. It’s so much easier; just close your eyes and woosh! Off you go into lala land, and before you know it yet another week has passed. So much easier than putting a smile on your face every day, pretending you’re not silently crying on the inside even as you laugh at another person’s jokes, pretending you’re okay with what is happening around you, when in reality you would change it with a swish of your wand if you could. There’s so much loneliness, even when you’re in a crowd. Everybody is so different; far away from you. You want to reach out to someone, but you can’t make a sound. In your mind’s eye you see yourself standing all alone in the middle of an open ground, not a soul in sight, not a sound.
What does all this mean? You’ve had similar emotions in the past, but they’ve always gone away after. This time… this time it’s harder. It’s like they don’t want to leave you alone; it’s almost like they’re your only friend in this big bad world. You don’t want them to leave you either…
This box is driving you crazy. You want to break out of it but you can’t. You might busy yourself in work for a little while, but as soon as you look up from the laptop/notebook, there it is; that creeping feeling again, peeking over your shoulder like it never really left.It casts a long dark shadow over everything it touches, everything within sight; until you’re surrounded by darkness, not a glimmer of light.
You wake up in the middle of the night with a jerk and you can’t remember if you closed all the lights. They’re all on in your room. Maybe you didn’t close them? Maybe you just thought you did… but you remember staring down at a mobile screen while you were on your side right before you went to sleep; the lights weren’t all on then. Or were they?
Memories of another time flood your brain; laughter, happiness, friends… was that really you? Or is your mind just making up these emotions from the past because you’re slowly going insane?
But who can you talk to? Who will understand? Is this normal? Or is this just ‘hormones’ like everybody says.
You don’t want to explore these feelings; these feelings that have now become such a large part of you. You don’t want to hear people say “you know we love you, right?”, with that look in their eyes. You don’t want to hear it! You don’t want people to tell you you’re slowly going insane; even though you know inside your heart is slowly dying, waiting for this life to just come to a stop. But you can’t do anything about that because your soul, you owe it to God.
“What He giveth, He taketh away”… only this time it feels He’s just sitting on the sidelines, watching you as you twist and turn in the wind. Maybe it’s a test? Maybe He wants to see how devoted you really are to Him. Maybe if you leave the house more often you will stop feeling like this… like you’re stuck and everybody is just moving forward, onward with their lives; without you. And there is so much you still have to do, so much you still have to prove, both to the world and yourself, but by God… it’s so much effort to just open your eyes and get out of bed.
You’re so tired. Your body hurts and your brain has turned to mush; you go through the motions, not really registering anything much. You can’t wait until you’re back home, when you can fall back down on the bed and close your eyes, aboard yet another flight to Lala Land, where all the darkness disappears… or if not completely, at least you don’t need to move that much. At least you can lie still as the time passes by, as you grow old… one more day closer to goodbye.