Not Just Yet

Perhaps I read into it more than there was,

Perhaps my loneliness got the better of me,

Perhaps I didn’t feel myself fall,

Until it was too late to turn back time,

Too late to turn away from how I feel.

I tried to push the emotions aside,

I know I pretended to be blase and unmoved by you,

And yet, pieces of my heart were quietly chipping away,

To reveal the liquid longings of my soul underneath the solid mildew.

I suppose it is useless to deny,

That my heart was always pulled towards your side,

That first time we sat together and you turned and smiled,

And I barely managed to keep my head held high.

So good did I become at fooling you into thinking that my feelings were reciprocal,

That I fooled myself, too, into believing that I had none.

So good did I become into pretending to be a friend,

That it was too late to turn back time when I finally discovered I wanted to be more to you than “just another one”

Just another friend to talk to. Just another friend to relate to. Just another friend to laugh with.

And yet, I know you better than most others ever will.

Those masks you wear have never worked on me, and never will. I know you too well; and I call you out when you try to fool even yourself.

I know I misread the signs when your chocolate brown eyes would fill with amusement, and something mildly reminding me of affection sprinkled with respect? It was no more than that. A lot less that what I preferred to imagine it to be.

No more. No more of me throwing myself down everytime. No more of me forgetting myself each time my heart cries out to be privy to your thoughts. No more of me being giddy with new-found affections. No more day dreams and no more nightly musings.

I am done being smitten. Well, not entirely. But, from now on, I will keep my affectations to myself instead of letting them control me!

It is time to get back a semblance of my previous self-esteem… and self-respect. Stop fawning over something that is not yours to own, oh drowning heart. You must not let your imagination run wild, in pursuit of something which was never yours from the start.

Do not let your hopes blind you to the reality of your life. Stay firmly grounded so as not to run after dreams made of candyfloss. We can only hope and pray, and yet, sometimes, things go astray and that is the will of the God to whom we pray. Allah ho Allam!

And as I end this tirade, I would just like to say, that I may be schooling myself from falling down again; I may be putting up barriers for my self-esteem to take support against; but I do say with very little regret, that as of right now, I am unable to bid you adieu. I find it difficult to suddenly say farewell to our many years of friendship and deeply connected understanding. I cannot say goodbye to you. I will one day… but not just yet.




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