Money On The Brain

It’s just a piece of paper, they say.

It doesn’t mean anything; there are more important things. Money can wait. 

It’s just a piece of paper. 

Why can’t you focus on the other things in life? 

There is so much more at stake. 

It’s just a piece of paper. 

Why let your mind wander with worry, 

When you don’t have any, 

It’s okay; you can survive. 

Can I? 

It’s just a piece of paper.

Keep tellin’ yourself that lie.

Money doesn’t matter. 

What matters is life; how you spend it, how you help others build it, how you create beauty out of nothing. 

Happiness doesn’t lie with the green. It can be found in the most simplest of things. 

It’s just a piece of paper. 

But what about my needs? My family needs to feed. How can I provide for my mother and the medicine for her disease? 

Remind yourself, it’s just a piece of paper! It’ll all get well; in the end.

Just hold on; hold on tightly don’t let go. When you’ll strike gold you never know; but you can’t lose hope! Keep trying; keep hustling; keep moving forward as you go. 

Keep telling yourself: it’s just a piece of paper; and it will end well. 

We Don’t Talk Anymore 

https://youtu.be/3AtDnEC4zak

You disappeared.

Without a trace.

And I don’t even have pictures to remember your face, with. 

You just ghosted. 

As if there was nothing between us.

And here I am still waiting,

My brain refusing to accept that I got roasted.

I thought we were close. Weren’t we? 

I know you better than anyone else 

You know me better than all the rest

Then what happened? How come you just up and left without a word? 

You didn’t even bother to give me a headsup. 

I can tell what you’re thinking just by taking one look into your eyes, 

You can’t hide shit from me behind that smile. 

I know how deep the pain lies.

I wish you could have trusted me to heal you, trusted me to teach you to leave it all behind. 

You have a set image of what you want in life; 

And even though we fit perfectly, just right; 

You can’t seem to see past the image of the future blinding your eyes. 

But I guess every good thing has an end. 

And our relationship, even though it was one of the most beautiful parts of my life, reached its natural conclusion.

I’m not under any delusions. 

I know you left. 

My brain accepts that fact, even as my heart is bereft. 

There is a wound there; i hope it heals quicker than yours have. 

I need to move on; I can’t spend my life looking back. 

Wondering what could have been. 

Wondering if I did something wrong. 

But I know I didn’t. 

But maybe, just maybe, you will let me know what happened in your brain; 

For you to just jump the train; 

POOF! Gone in a split second 

Trying to control the meltdown happening in my brain. 

Maybe I scared you off; 

Maybe you sensed me coming too strong; 

Maybe you fell with me, before you even realized what was wrong… 

There was definitely something there. 

You can deny it all you want; I don’t care. 

I know we both sensed it; it’s okay.

I knew this would end one day. 

Just wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon. 

Guess I should have been better prepared. 

Not Just Yet

Perhaps I read into it more than there was,

Perhaps my loneliness got the better of me,

Perhaps I didn’t feel myself fall,

Until it was too late to turn back time,

Too late to turn away from how I feel.

I tried to push the emotions aside,

I know I pretended to be blase and unmoved by you,

And yet, pieces of my heart were quietly chipping away,

To reveal the liquid longings of my soul underneath the solid mildew.

I suppose it is useless to deny,

That my heart was always pulled towards your side,

That first time we sat together and you turned and smiled,

And I barely managed to keep my head held high.

So good did I become at fooling you into thinking that my feelings were reciprocal,

That I fooled myself, too, into believing that I had none.

So good did I become into pretending to be a friend,

That it was too late to turn back time when I finally discovered I wanted to be more to you than “just another one”

Just another friend to talk to. Just another friend to relate to. Just another friend to laugh with.

And yet, I know you better than most others ever will.

Those masks you wear have never worked on me, and never will. I know you too well; and I call you out when you try to fool even yourself.

I know I misread the signs when your chocolate brown eyes would fill with amusement, and something mildly reminding me of affection sprinkled with respect? It was no more than that. A lot less that what I preferred to imagine it to be.

No more. No more of me throwing myself down everytime. No more of me forgetting myself each time my heart cries out to be privy to your thoughts. No more of me being giddy with new-found affections. No more day dreams and no more nightly musings.

I am done being smitten. Well, not entirely. But, from now on, I will keep my affectations to myself instead of letting them control me!

It is time to get back a semblance of my previous self-esteem… and self-respect. Stop fawning over something that is not yours to own, oh drowning heart. You must not let your imagination run wild, in pursuit of something which was never yours from the start.

Do not let your hopes blind you to the reality of your life. Stay firmly grounded so as not to run after dreams made of candyfloss. We can only hope and pray, and yet, sometimes, things go astray and that is the will of the God to whom we pray. Allah ho Allam!

And as I end this tirade, I would just like to say, that I may be schooling myself from falling down again; I may be putting up barriers for my self-esteem to take support against; but I do say with very little regret, that as of right now, I am unable to bid you adieu. I find it difficult to suddenly say farewell to our many years of friendship and deeply connected understanding. I cannot say goodbye to you. I will one day… but not just yet.

 

 

I Stand Alone

The world is so silent, as if all of life has been sucked out of it in one single minute. Only a few seconds ago, I was surrounded by so many happy faces, laughing; oblivious to the future and uncaring about anything at all. I stand alone right now.

Where has everyone gone?

I stand at the precipice of sanity and hysteria, hanging by a thread between the middle as I search for peace. Contentment; what a funny word. Where is contentment after I look up from the pages of a book, my heart dreading the collision with reality after a blissful hour or so within the fictitious world of yet another brilliant author. Where is the contentment, where day after day we toil for the same things, yet remain just as unhappy as we first started; if not more. Where is the contentment when we reach the goals we set out to achieve, yet our souls remain restless and without a shred of peace. As I take a look around at the world going past me, I realize: I stand alone right now.

Life has suddenly increased its pace. Shot through all the times that we were supposed to take; for granted. Age is catching up with each one of us, all at a different pace. Some get tired faster of this flimsy world than others, yet we know that all it takes is a slight nudge, a slight push and life will flip over on its own head…and you will fall flat on your face.  When you finally push yourself up of the ground, you will look around and come to realize on your own: I stand alone right now.

But it is not for right now; it is for ever more. This is life; you, alone, know in which direction you are meant to go. For regardless of the speed with which you take off at first, you will always go through the same lesson as those before us, that this world and its people are as flimsy as a spider’s web and we are the food stuck within its gossamer beams; blinded by the lights and skillfully deceived. We are the people that run after that which we cannot attain, yet we fight to achieve it; and once it is within our midst, we realize too later: I stand alone. Right now. And forever more.

 

You Don’t Understand 

When you look at those my age and compare me to them, I know you don’t understand. When you repeatedly ask my why I dont have an interest in my surroundings anymore, I know you don’t understand. When you passionately talk to me about running a company and get frustrated when I don’t show the same level of interest, I know you don’t understand. When you look bewildered as I try to explain how at peace I feel when attending a sermon, I know you don’t understand. When your eyebrows draw together in a frown as you try to picture me surrounded by a group of “ignorant women” wondering what I could possibly glean from that particular set, I know you don’t understand. When you vehemently argue my choice of clothing as “archaic”in favor of more “modern times”, I know you don’t understand.

I know you don’t understand me, Mother; your own flesh and blood changing before your eyes. I know you don’t understand the pressing need that I have to keep going forward in a direction you would rather avoid. I know you don’t like it when I become stubborn and stick to my thoughts; because I know you feel I am wrong and fast on the way to getting lost. 

I know you dont understand when you hear me recount an event from the Prophet’s life, as I try to convince the other to implement it  in his or her life. I know you have trouble recognizing this daughter from the one you had last. I know you don’t understand why I am going down a path that you feel will be full of strife. I know you  fear I will become the very woman we both used to ostracise; I know you fear for me and for you, wondering which direction I choose to change my life. 

I know you don’t understand when you try to convince me to give it all up and just act “normal” like everyone else. But Mum, this is my normal; doesn’t have to fit in or be like the rest. 

I know you love me and get angry when I refuse to accomodate you sometimes. I apologise; my beliefs are greater than the both of us… greater than this life. 

I love you so much, Mum; more than I can ever express. You may not understand me now, but remember that you sometimes have to be very far away from the rest of the crowd… if you want to be one of the best. Peace out. 

كُنْ فَيَكُونُ

Arabic is such a beautiful, powerful language. One of the oldest languages in the world today, aside from Hebrew; it can hold a vast array of meanings in the smallest of words. كُنْ فَيَكُونُ (Kun Faya Kun): the three words that encompass all of Allah’s power like no other.

Present in Surah Yasin, this ayat is talking about how Allah does not need anyone’s help in doing anything (verse:82). In English, it can be translated to “Be, and it is.” That is all He has to do to create anything at all – whether it is the entire universe or simply an ant being born out of a egg. كُنْ فَيَكُونُ

The entire backdrop of these three words can be seen thus:

77. Does not man see that We have created him from Nutfah (mixed male and female sexual discharge – semen drops). Yet behold he (stands forth) as an open opponent.
78. And he puts forth for Us a parable, and forgets his own creation. He says: “Who will give life to these bones after they are rotten and have become dust?”
79. Say: (O Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) “He will give life to them Who created them for the first time! And He is the All-Knower of every creation!”
80. He Who produces for you fire out of the green tree, when behold you kindle therewith.
81. Is not He Who created the heavens and the earth, Able to create the like of them? Yes, indeed! He is the All-Knowing Supreme Creator.
82. Verily, His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, “Be!” – and it is!
83. So glorified be He and exalted above all that they associate with Him, and in Whose Hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him you shall be returned.

Quran (Surah Yaseen, Verses 79 – 83)

Can you imagine the power behind the Creator? It is beyond one’s meager comprehension. We can either believe, or not. There is no in between.

كُنْ فَيَكُونُ

If something is not happening in your life, pray to Him. Pray to Allah. Ask Him for it. Beg Him for it. Cry in sujood. If it is good for you, He will make it happen. If he does not want it for you, no matter what you do; nothing can change his decree. الله أكبر

Accept what He has written for you and move on. You will be stronger for it. We cannot decide our own fate; we do not have that luxury. He decides everything for us. We can only obey. That is the basis of our relationship with Him; that is the entire reason for our existence.

Worship. Do good deeds. Worship. Create a legacy that benefits humankind.Worship.

And He will give to you out of his unlimited bounty. He is Al-Ghani. But don’t lose hope. Keep asking. And He will provide; in His own time, when it is best for you.

For when He does decide to grant you your wish, all he has to say is: كُنْ فَيَكُونُ and it will be.

Fighting The Fog

It’s so hard waking up in the morning; you have to force open your heavy-lidded eyes, turn your body to the side and haul yourself upright, before swinging both legs off the side of the bed… all the while fighting the fog muddling your brain and senses. The drowsiness never really goes away though, you just learn to push it to the back of your head while you’re going through your everyday chores;whether it’s eating an omelette or drinking a hot cup of coffee. It’s always there, hanging like a dark cloud overhead, ready to swoop down on you and drench you in it’s mind-numbing fog (if you allow it to).

That’s why you have to fight it. You can’t walk this road; you’ve seen too many people go down and never stand up again. They go to psychologists to “talk” (who does that by the way? Like that’s a real job?); they take pills because they can’t sleep… other people, they sleep too much.

But God, it’s such an effort now. Picking up the phone, opening WhatsApp, responding to people’s messages- or even just making small talk because you’re afraid of completely losing touch with others if you don’t. It’s so hard. What is there to talk about? What can you say? Nothing. Because you do nothing. Because you are nothing. Just a waste of space taking up valuable oxygen from other people inhabiting the same planet.

You just want to sleep now. It’s so much easier; just close your eyes and woosh! Off you go into lala land, and before you know it yet another week has passed. So much easier than putting a smile on your face every day, pretending you’re not silently crying on the inside even as you laugh at another person’s jokes, pretending you’re okay with what is happening around you, when in reality you would change it with a swish of your wand if you could. There’s so much loneliness, even when you’re in a crowd. Everybody is so different; far away from you. You want to reach out to someone, but you can’t make a sound. In your mind’s eye you see yourself standing all alone in the middle of an open ground, not a soul in sight, not a sound.

What does all this mean? You’ve had similar emotions in the past, but they’ve always gone away after. This time… this time it’s harder. It’s like they don’t want to leave you alone; it’s almost like they’re your only friend in this big bad world. You don’t want them to leave you either…

This box is driving you crazy. You want to break out of it but you can’t. You might busy yourself in work for a little while, but as soon as you look up from the laptop/notebook, there it is; that creeping feeling again, peeking over your shoulder like it never really left.It casts a long dark shadow over everything it touches, everything within sight; until you’re surrounded by darkness, not a glimmer of light.

You wake up in the middle of the night with a jerk and you can’t remember if you closed all the lights. They’re all on in your room. Maybe you didn’t close them? Maybe you just thought you did… but you remember staring down at a mobile screen while you were on your side right before you went to sleep; the lights weren’t all on then. Or were they?

Memories of another time flood your brain; laughter, happiness, friends… was that really you? Or is your mind just making up these emotions from the past because you’re slowly going insane?

But who can you talk to? Who will understand? Is this normal? Or is this just ‘hormones’ like everybody says.

You don’t want to explore these feelings; these feelings that have now become such a large part of you. You don’t want to hear people say “you know we love you, right?”, with that look in their eyes. You don’t want to hear it! You don’t want people to tell you you’re slowly going insane; even though you know inside your heart is slowly dying, waiting for this life to just come to a stop. But you can’t do anything about that because your soul, you owe it to God.

“What He giveth, He taketh away”… only this time it feels He’s just sitting on the sidelines, watching you as you twist and turn in the wind. Maybe it’s a test? Maybe He wants to see how devoted you really are to Him. Maybe if you leave the house more often you will stop feeling like this… like you’re stuck and everybody is just moving forward, onward with their lives; without you. And there is so much you still have to do, so much you still have to prove, both to the world and yourself, but by God… it’s so much effort to just open your eyes and get out of bed.

You’re so tired. Your body hurts and your brain has turned to mush; you go through the motions, not really registering anything much. You can’t wait until you’re back home, when you can fall back down on the bed and close your eyes, aboard yet another flight to Lala Land, where all the darkness disappears… or if not completely, at least you don’t need to move that much. At least you can lie still as the time passes by, as you grow old… one more day closer to goodbye.

 

 

Ana Ayesh Iw Mosh A’ayesh

This is not a poem, though god knows I’m emotional enough to write one at this point. When I first saw the Ruiyah, I woke up confused. I thought I had mixed up two different people; mentally changed a scenario in my head from how it should actually be, because of increased contact with one compared to the other.

Two years on, I am faced with the blood-chilling prospect that maybe, just maybe, I did not change anything at all. The Ruiyah was exactly like it should have been…down to the last T. And now this horrifying scenario looms ahead of me, completely taking over my mind. My soul feels trapped, as if shackled to the ground – frightened of what is to come, yet helpless to change it.

What am I to do? I know what is coming. I have seen it. But how does one mentally prepare oneself for the possibility – total loss, soul crushing pain… Where do I go? Who do I turn to?

Regardless of how much I feel as though I am hurtling towards the edge of a cliff, facing a bottomless pit; as the image slowly grows larger than life, taking over me; I have to ask myself: why did I see what I did? Why did God show me that particular Ruiyah?

Was he trying to warn me? Mentally prepare me? Am I supposed to do something to change the end result – but how can I?

Inaha Makhtuba. It is written. I am so afraid. I know what is coming. I want to change it. I want to stop it. How can I?

Oh Allah, take care of me. Twasa Fia.

On Fire From Within

I feel like my soul is on fire

Deep down, where the smoke is smothered by smiles,

There is a crackling…

Like the embers of a flame that should have been extinguished a long time ago.

 

Time and again I push down the demon that raises its flaming head,

Its burning eyes glaring deep into the depths of my soul,

As though charring my flesh down to the bone,

 

And the pulsing pain within grows louder,

Until I can’t even hear my own heartbeat….

I look around, desperate for help,

Without realizing there is nowhere to go

I’m trapped – all alone, on this Island surrounded by memories, that are trying to drown me;

 

Unable to scream for help, because no one knows about us…

We are nothing but a myth;

Real for each other, but invisible to the rest of the world

I am yours, and you are my secret to keep.

They are still so fresh, I can reach out and touch these memories,

But I hesitate… afraid to get burnt.

And then a soft breeze flows by, spreading the fire inside me

Until I can feel it heating me to the tips of my feet,

 

You are everywhere, in everything I do

Every word I say, Every breath I take…

Every step I take, I take it thinking of you.

 

I tried drowning myself in this world,

Surrounded by distractions all around;

But I got lost in the crowd,

All alone, by myself; still searching for a glimpse of you…

Anywhere; My beating heart trying desperately to keep up

My brain racing with images of the past as my soul tries to curl in on itself,

 

A protective gesture I acquired over time –

Which is as useless as it is desperate.

 

Because you are a part of me…

Everything you do, everything you say, every breath you take –

They are burned into my soul

I take you with me everywhere I go

Regardless of the smile plastered on my face,

You are the Zonda that I couldn’t save

For myself…

And now I sit on the sidelines, pretending to be free from all care and worries;

Searching everyday,

For a sign – anything that might lead you back to me.

Or me to you.

Somehow, I know this can’t be the end of everything.

Because you are a part of me.

And no matter how much I try to keep the past from affecting me,

I have to admit (at least to myself) that you took a major part of me with you,

A hole as glaring as the one burning into my heart ,

When each day I take one more breath without you in my life,

I may seem numb to the pain

But I don’t see a happy future for me,

Not the one we envisioned at least.

 

It doesn’t matter if I change continents, or I race away to another life,

I will take you wherever I go,

You are my demon and my savior all at once,

You are inside of me, always and forever…

How can one hide from oneself?

 

 

 

 

I Want That Love

“I am capable of a lot of love,” is what you said; and my heart skipped a beat before crashing to the floor.

You weren’t talking about me. You and I are no more.

Your future missy, whoever she may be, has my blessings and my wellwishes too.

But, most importantly, I pray she can give all that love back to you.

You darling man, you are so special it’s almost funny how you don’t know,

Your own worth; your character, your sense of honor, your honesty and your trust;

I am so grateful to God that he led me to you, if only for a simple tryst.

You are capable of so much love, it will almost be too much to handle;

I am glad though that I was the reason you recognized that part of your personality,

Regardless of how much I wish I could be at the receiving end of that love,

What we had I shall always cherish; It was enough

To last a lifetime, to create memories that will never grow old;

Everyday I pass without you by my side,

I pour all that love for you into the future I now keep in sight;

It is a future with only me, which is not truly very surprising now;

Since, to quote you, “you have spoiled me to be honest,

and I can take no more bullshit or drama for anyone anymore”

Who’s going to settle for that?

No one, I’m sure.

So I’m working on building a small world for myself,

Where only I will be (along with a few loved ones, obviously)

I may look at children and yearn for one of my own

But then I remember you,

and my heart recoils from the thought of making babies with anyone else;

regardless of what the future holds,

I wish you the best of luck and your lady love,

Even though, secretly, my heart yearns for the love you’re capable of giving…

For the love I have not yet known.