I Stand Alone

The world is so silent, as if all of life has been sucked out of it in one single minute. Only a few seconds ago, I was surrounded by so many happy faces, laughing; oblivious to the future and uncaring about anything at all. I stand alone right now.

Where has everyone gone?

I stand at the precipice of sanity and hysteria, hanging by a thread between the middle as I search for peace. Contentment; what a funny word. Where is contentment after I look up from the pages of a book, my heart dreading the collision with reality after a blissful hour or so within the fictitious world of yet another brilliant author. Where is the contentment, where day after day we toil for the same things, yet remain just as unhappy as we first started; if not more. Where is the contentment when we reach the goals we set out to achieve, yet our souls remain restless and without a shred of peace. As I take a look around at the world going past me, I realize: I stand alone right now.

Life has suddenly increased its pace. Shot through all the times that we were supposed to take; for granted. Age is catching up with each one of us, all at a different pace. Some get tired faster of this flimsy world than others, yet we know that all it takes is a slight nudge, a slight push and life will flip over on its own head…and you will fall flat on your face.  When you finally push yourself up of the ground, you will look around and come to realize on your own: I stand alone right now.

But it is not for right now; it is for ever more. This is life; you, alone, know in which direction you are meant to go. For regardless of the speed with which you take off at first, you will always go through the same lesson as those before us, that this world and its people are as flimsy as a spider’s web and we are the food stuck within its gossamer beams; blinded by the lights and skillfully deceived. We are the people that run after that which we cannot attain, yet we fight to achieve it; and once it is within our midst, we realize too later: I stand alone. Right now. And forever more.

 

كُنْ فَيَكُونُ

Arabic is such a beautiful, powerful language. One of the oldest languages in the world today, aside from Hebrew; it can hold a vast array of meanings in the smallest of words. كُنْ فَيَكُونُ (Kun Faya Kun): the three words that encompass all of Allah’s power like no other.

Present in Surah Yasin, this ayat is talking about how Allah does not need anyone’s help in doing anything (verse:82). In English, it can be translated to “Be, and it is.” That is all He has to do to create anything at all – whether it is the entire universe or simply an ant being born out of a egg. كُنْ فَيَكُونُ

The entire backdrop of these three words can be seen thus:

77. Does not man see that We have created him from Nutfah (mixed male and female sexual discharge – semen drops). Yet behold he (stands forth) as an open opponent.
78. And he puts forth for Us a parable, and forgets his own creation. He says: “Who will give life to these bones after they are rotten and have become dust?”
79. Say: (O Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) “He will give life to them Who created them for the first time! And He is the All-Knower of every creation!”
80. He Who produces for you fire out of the green tree, when behold you kindle therewith.
81. Is not He Who created the heavens and the earth, Able to create the like of them? Yes, indeed! He is the All-Knowing Supreme Creator.
82. Verily, His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, “Be!” – and it is!
83. So glorified be He and exalted above all that they associate with Him, and in Whose Hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him you shall be returned.

Quran (Surah Yaseen, Verses 79 – 83)

Can you imagine the power behind the Creator? It is beyond one’s meager comprehension. We can either believe, or not. There is no in between.

كُنْ فَيَكُونُ

If something is not happening in your life, pray to Him. Pray to Allah. Ask Him for it. Beg Him for it. Cry in sujood. If it is good for you, He will make it happen. If he does not want it for you, no matter what you do; nothing can change his decree. الله أكبر

Accept what He has written for you and move on. You will be stronger for it. We cannot decide our own fate; we do not have that luxury. He decides everything for us. We can only obey. That is the basis of our relationship with Him; that is the entire reason for our existence.

Worship. Do good deeds. Worship. Create a legacy that benefits humankind.Worship.

And He will give to you out of his unlimited bounty. He is Al-Ghani. But don’t lose hope. Keep asking. And He will provide; in His own time, when it is best for you.

For when He does decide to grant you your wish, all he has to say is: كُنْ فَيَكُونُ and it will be.

Ana Ayesh Iw Mosh A’ayesh

This is not a poem, though god knows I’m emotional enough to write one at this point. When I first saw the Ruiyah, I woke up confused. I thought I had mixed up two different people; mentally changed a scenario in my head from how it should actually be, because of increased contact with one compared to the other.

Two years on, I am faced with the blood-chilling prospect that maybe, just maybe, I did not change anything at all. The Ruiyah was exactly like it should have been…down to the last T. And now this horrifying scenario looms ahead of me, completely taking over my mind. My soul feels trapped, as if shackled to the ground – frightened of what is to come, yet helpless to change it.

What am I to do? I know what is coming. I have seen it. But how does one mentally prepare oneself for the possibility – total loss, soul crushing pain… Where do I go? Who do I turn to?

Regardless of how much I feel as though I am hurtling towards the edge of a cliff, facing a bottomless pit; as the image slowly grows larger than life, taking over me; I have to ask myself: why did I see what I did? Why did God show me that particular Ruiyah?

Was he trying to warn me? Mentally prepare me? Am I supposed to do something to change the end result – but how can I?

Inaha Makhtuba. It is written. I am so afraid. I know what is coming. I want to change it. I want to stop it. How can I?

Oh Allah, take care of me. Twasa Fia.

Serenity

Dark clouds converge overhead,

The sound of thunder rips the air at intervals,

On deck, people rush for shelter from the rain,

And I… I stand in the middle of it all,

Longing to feel a few drops on my face.

The water, it washes away my sins,

I no longer feel chained to my grief,

Cold shivers run through my body,

The rain is resurrecting me.

The thunder reflects my ire,

The silent screams inside of me,

Which were never allowed release.

Its ear-splitting sound echoes,

The pain deep inside my soul,

It has gone numb over the years,

So deep inside that now,

it is a part of who I am,

And I realize that the mask of calm and serenity

Which I love to wear,

Is slowly disintegrating,

And I’m trying catch the layers,

As they peel off one by one,

Little by little,

My feelings overcome,

My resistance,

And I am left with nothing,

But an image of the past,

With that smile of yours I love so much,

And the dimple peeking out at the world,

Just above your jawline,

And I can’t help but reminisce,

On how it used to be. And how it all ended.

And here I stand,

In a world of my own,

Regardless of the outside,

Safe in my cocoon,

Of memories.

I can never let it go.

And as I think this, I realize,

I don’t want to.

I wish to hang on to these precious memories forever,

For they are a part of me as much as they are a part of you,

And for all the peace you brought me,

They help me remember, in snatches,

What that serenity felt like,

For when you left,

You took it all with you.

Nothing Left Inside of Me

Memories. There are only memories left of me. Nothing tangible; just a long, lonely walk to infinite.

I find myself lost in the past, a haze of sorts preventing me from seeing the future.

I am confused. I am emotionally distant. And somewhere, deep inside of me, there is pain.

So much pain, that I am afraid to touch it; lest it devours me.

The dying embers of a love lost; never truly die. Love never really runs dry. The tears, however; the tears stop flowing after a time. So now, only my eyes reflect the pain inside.

All around me, life moves on. Laughter, happiness, new beginnings, new lives, new relationships…. and all the while, deep inside, there is a sorrowful cry.

I have big plans; plans which would never have come into place had you decided to remain by my side. Plans that aim to take me away; far away from this place, where there are only memories…

Wherever I turn, there is a familiar face. Be it a building or a street or a person, everywhere I turn, I see you. Sudden flashbacks take me unawares, leaving my breathless, unable to utter a word. It is a wonder I am coherent at all.

Time has not healed my fall. A numbing sensation creeps slowly from the pit of my stomach to the corners of my body, touching my very soul. My heart is pumping furiously, as my soul shudders and tries to stand after the blow. My body cannot help but curl up into a ball; the sudden opening of a window to many beautiful memories renders me nearly senseless. I am sitting here, in a crowd, yet I am not. I am far away, so far away, with you.

A mention of an event, a laugh, a sound, even the clouds… anything, anywhere, can remind me of you. How you would have reacted, what you might have said had you been here, what you used to say, how you used to laugh….

The dimple on the side of your face, which I would be so helpless against. I wish I could kiss it away again. I wish you were here right now to tell me about your day, or to simply laugh at something I say. How you used to force me to speak, when I was overcome with emotion and unable to utter a word – I am afraid now; now that I am all alone.

I don’t know what the future holds. But I know this; I can never compromise on what we had, what I have felt and seen; what I have experienced. I don’t know where I will go, where I am headed; but I do know that I can never accept anything less than what we had. But I don’t think I will ever get it again; because, see, there is no us. There is no you. There is only me.

And you’ve taken the best part of me. Now, what is left, is nothing but dust and ash. There is nothing but a numb, hollow pain left inside of me.

Numb This Pain

One of those days

When I would gladly do anything

Just to numb this godforsaken pain.

It haunts me

Eats me from deep inside my soul

Slowly, one teardrop at a time

Until there is nothing but a hole

Where my soul used to be

My eyes are blank

Dark with the pain of loss and sacrifice

Here, in this world,

I stand alone on the sidelines

Afraid to reach out

For this ever present fogs makes it hard to see

Afraid to feel

For fear of awakening the pain

Which is ever present inside of me.

Today is one of those days

When I would gladly do anything

Just to end this godforsaken pain

I know the cycle

I have become used to it

Like a druggie on coke

I know how to use my sorrow as a shield

Filled with laughter and Happiness

Yet, inside, there is nothing but broken mirrors and smoke.

There is nothing inside of me

But broken dreams and shattered hope.

There is nothing inside of me

That is reminiscient of the light of days past

Nothing inside of me

Which does not remind me of the vast

Darkness enveloping me.

Everywhere I turn,

Everywhere I see,

There are reminders of who I used to be

Yet, this pain refuses to die

Always in the background, a solid thumping ebb…

It’s slowly eating away at my life,

My heart is broken,

Every turn feels like the point of a knife,

Slowly turning inside of me.

One of those days

When I would do just about anything

To make the pain go away.

A pain which is now a very strong part of me

It has enveloped me whole

I know not what happiness is…

I’m used to this dark cave of sorrow

Will I be able to fight for what I want?

For my dreams. for my future –

For what is left of me?

Numb this pain…

And we shall see.

First, I have to numb this pain….

Dark with the pain

Vulcan’s Flames

Why can I not forgive you?

Everything seems to be fine

The dust is settled and the beating of my heart has gone steady

I have convinced myself that this is happiness

This is as good as it gets

And I am fine….

Until suddenly, something happens

Something that reminds me of the past

Of what true passion means

Of what it feels like to be truly alive

And the scabs on the wounds of my heart

Which I so painstakingly covered

Begin to slowly scratch themselves away

The tearing of each piece of skin as painful as though I am on fire

Burning alive

Unable to breathe…

Able to do naught

But go up in flames

As my anger begins to consume me

And I struggle to contain it.

Afraid to prematurely burst

I do not want to estrange you.

Still, after all of it, I still care. So much.

Then why can I not forgive you?

Why can I not completely put my life on hold

Kill my dreams – and breathe only for you.

Why does my soul and heart cry out

Why do I so desperately want to be me?

And the saddest part: even after all these years, you still don’t know me.

Still don’t know who I am.

I don’t know whether to laugh at the dark humor of it all

Or cry at my helplessness

We can’t both be happy at the same time

Either you can be happy – Or I

I think I’ll choose misery each time

Because I care about you that much

No matter how much I die inside

Yet, there will come a time when I will have completely died

And you will no longer be able to affect me

Will no longer be able to influence my decisions

Will no longer be able to wrench my heart from inside and twist it until the blood vessels burst

Because I will be dead

And the dead cannot be affected by the whims of the living

When I will be dead

Truly gone from this world

And nothing you can do will ever be able to hurt me again

Because I will be dead…

Far, far away from you

R.I.P ♥ Zaran Ghazali – Your memory will remain alive forever.

It’s like a light has gone out

Leaving nothing but a vast darkness

A hollow void where once resided a brilliant soul

Gone forever in a land whose story can not be foretold.

There is pain in this heart

As it remembers the joy you used to bring

Empty of a sudden

Wondering what has brought on this life of such easy sin.

One easy shot of metal

That’s all that was needed

And you disappeared in the blink of an eye

Without even saying goodbye.

The years flash before our eyes

Your easy laugh rings around us

Memories smothering our lives

Tears fill up and start to descend

Translucent skin shines as streams run down our faces

As we wait for our charred hearts to mend.

The fragility of life has once again proven true

Never again shall we meet another like you

An ageless soul – full of buoyancy and life

Come, let us light a candle in honor of this great knight.

Let us join our hands and pray

For his soul to be happy wherever the angels it may take

Let us bow our heads and whisper a curse

For those who stole our beloved Zaran from us.

For to take back time is the one thing we wish for,

Above all.

Yet, you are gone from us – taken away, once and for all.

Let us not feel too saddened at the departure of this great character of history

For time immemorial shall carry true your memory

You leave behind a legacy of friends and families

And we swear fealty – for we shall remember you wherever we go; wherever we may be.

You shall live on – if not physically; then within us, always a part of our lives…

Spiritually.

*sigh* egotistical much?

So it’s just a simple apology that somebody needs to make me – but NO!! How can they let out two simple words? “i’m sorry!”

The entire world seems hinged onto the life changing moment when these words will forever be let go by the tongue of one who walks as hand in hand with an inflated ego as he breathes oxygen – like, never!

The fact that they -whoever they are – walk this earth like they own it and all us lowly mortals forced to live here at ‘his’ mercy; was kind of a turn on – in the beginning. Well; not anymore. They don’t!

Of all the egotistical males i have ever met in my life – this one truly takes the cake!

With an anger that is as uncontrollable as his lust for control – or anything he wants, for that matter – there is a certain level of virulence that attempts to break the calm surface veiling his true self.

How disappointing, when one’s vile, disfigured truth is unveiled from behind the frenzy of lies and made-up happenings – only to keep one’s ego alive…. and respect.

Well; as thread bare as that respect may be – the life this particular gentleman lives is just as frail… threatening to break apart at the slightest tug; threatening to unwind all that he has made come true. From a ladder made of everyday petty lies.

It is said that one hates only those who remind one of oneself very strongly – well; Sad truth of it is – they need to get over themselves. Pronto.

Invisible Chains

No air.

There is no air left for me to breathe.

The walls are closing in around me.

The ground is falling down from under my feet.

I struggle to grasp this tempest by the tail

Determined to fight to the surface

Defeat all that this life entails

Yet everytime there is light

There is bloodshed too

It lines my world like a labyrinth’s entrance

Yes; I’m covered in what is left of the corpse that once used to be a lively you.

Crimson stains my pallid hands

A shaking overtakes my body –

A burden curves my rigid stance

There is none left to turn to

Drowning in the eternal misery of what is existence itself

In search of Charon – come to release me from the subjugation of this world that is all but met

The social chains binding my will to the ground

Prevent me from soaring through the sky

Towards the destiny towards which i am bound

There is fire in my soul

Set aflame by all the tragedies that came

My way during this short span of eternal ‘bliss’

Take a turn around the block in my shoes

Let the walls around me close you in

Feel the air in your hair

Feel the blood rushing through your veins

Then strain against invisible chains

And laugh dementedly when you realize there is no escape

Fall to your knees

The way I did

And howl to the winds to let you begin

The life that you always wished for

Let tears of blood flow from eyes that hurt

Let blindness engulf you to block out the pain

Let yourself go to misery and a forsaken domain

For naught is left of this world to have

For you, the end is near

The sooner Azrael enters with Charon,

The better will the time pass.

The easier it will be.